You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

In a surprise speech April 1, President George W. Bush acknowledged it is his policy to suppress or ignore science he cannot understand. "Sometimes I get reports that scientists want to regulate chemicals or pollution, but they use a bunch of jibber jabber and fancy math to make their point," Bush said. "The American people didn't elect me to read reports and understand science; they elected me to make decisions — that's why I'm the decider."