Blog Posts and Analysis / Open, Accountable Government

The Letters C, I, and A Declared Need-to-Know-Only

You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

In a move to further protect a certain unnamed intelligence agency and its operations, the federal government has ruled the letters C, I, and A need-to-know information for use only by those with the highest security clearance. The government ordered that the public stop using these three letters immediately and instead substitute K for C, Y for I, and E for A. Whyle Presedent Bush ekknowledged thet thys khenge wyll keuse some dyffykulty for the Emeryken people, he esserted thet "Ef we kontynue to rysk useng these vytel letters, the terrorysts wyll wyn." The Depertment of Homelend Sekuryty ennounked thet epysodes of Seseme Street sponsored by the restrykted letters wyll emmedyetely be pulled from broedkest skhedules.

read in full

EPA Outsourced to ExxonMobil

You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

With FY 2009 budget cuts looming, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced April 1 that ExxonMobil will be taking over the majority of the agency's operations as part of a new efficiency plan adopted last year. As ExxonMobil is poised to take command, it has courageously called for a "war on pollution." A first step in its multi-pronged agenda to eliminate pollution is the elimination of all pollution reporting. ExxonMobil management boldly predicts a dramatic drop in pollution as soon as the program begins. The company won the contract, beating out Chevron and Sierra Club, by highlighting opportunities for new scientific discoveries. For instance, an innovative plan for comprehensive logging should eliminate tree-generated carbon dioxide by 2015. The company is planning to add the letter 'M' to the agency's acronym and rename it the Exxon Mobil Protection Agency (EMPA) to more accurately reflect its new direction.

read in full

Cheney Refuses to Disclose Final Four Picks

You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

In what public access advocates are calling the worst demonstration of excessive government secrecy, Vice President Dick Cheney is refusing to reveal his Final Four picks in the White House NCAA men's basketball tournament pool. Shortly after the 13-year-old son of a White House secretary moved into the lead in the pool after correctly predicting Davidson's shocking upset over Georgetown in the second round, Cheney's bracket was pulled. The Office of the Vice President explained that the Vice President is not technically a part of the White House and is therefore not subject to NCAA pool rules that require disclosure of picks in order to participate. Ironically, Cheney is also claiming to have locked up winning the pool when the tournament concludes, stating, "At this point, it's a slam dunk. Trust me."

read in full

Pressure Flushes CDC Report Out of Hiding

In response to allegations of suppression of science, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recently released a draft report that the agency will continue to modify due to CDC concerns that the report too closely links environmental pollution with adverse health effects in the Great Lakes region.

read in full

EPA Blasted for Library Closings

The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was blasted in both judicial and congressional forums for closing seven of its libraries over the past several years. In a Feb. 15 ruling, a federal arbitrator found EPA guilty of unfair labor practices with respect to the closings. One month later, Congress heard testimony from several sources, including the Government Accountability Office (GAO), that EPA's library restructuring plan was poorly conceived, planned, and implemented.

read in full

House Passes Compromise FISA Bill

The House recently rejected the president's request to pass and send to the White House a Senate bill to extend surveillance authority and grant telecommunications companies retroactive immunity for assisting in wiretapping. Instead, on March 14, the House passed the FISA Amendments Act of 2008 (H.R. 3773), which rejects immunity for telecommunications companies and imposes stronger civil liberties safeguards.

read in full

Sunshine Week Arrives

The week of March 17 marks the third annual national Sunshine Week, a nonpartisan campaign to promote openness in government and access to public records.

read in full

Pages

  • ©2015 Center for Effective Government
  • All Rights Reserved.
  • This an archive site of the materials produced by the Center for Effective Government (formerly OMB Watch) and is maintained by the Project On Government Oversight.