You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

With FY 2009 budget cuts looming, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced April 1 that ExxonMobil will be taking over the majority of the agency's operations as part of a new efficiency plan adopted last year. As ExxonMobil is poised to take command, it has courageously called for a "war on pollution." A first step in its multi-pronged agenda to eliminate pollution is the elimination of all pollution reporting. ExxonMobil management boldly predicts a dramatic drop in pollution as soon as the program begins. The company won the contract, beating out Chevron and Sierra Club, by highlighting opportunities for new scientific discoveries. For instance, an innovative plan for comprehensive logging should eliminate tree-generated carbon dioxide by 2015. The company is planning to add the letter 'M' to the agency's acronym and rename it the Exxon Mobil Protection Agency (EMPA) to more accurately reflect its new direction.