Center for Effective Government | Because government matters

States Failing to Implement Critical Voting Rights Laws

On April 1, the House Committee on Administration's Subcommittee on Elections held a hearing on state-level implementation of the National Voter Registration Act (NVRA), in particular a provision that was designed to enable low-income Americans to register to vote more readily. According to testimony by witnesses at the hearing, many states are not offering voter registration at public assistance agencies and are failing to live up to the promise of the NVRA to provide more equal access to the opportunity to vote.

Reports Highlight MSHA's Failures at Crandall Canyon Mine

Two recent reports highlight the failures of the Mine Safety and Health Administration (MSHA) in approving the retreat mining plans at Crandall Canyon mine in Utah that resulted in nine deaths after a mine collapse in August 2007. A third report criticizes MSHA's approval and implementation of emergency response plans required by legislation passed by Congress in the wake of mining disasters across the country in 2006.

White House Gains Influence in Toxic Chemical Assessments

The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has announced changes to its process for assessing the human health effects of common chemical substances. The revised process will allow the White House Office of Management and Budget (OMB) to play a larger role in the evaluation of the substances.

Clara Barton Designated as Terrorist for Aiding Rebels

You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

The Office of Foreign Assets Control (OFAC) announced its first posthumous designation of a terrorist on April 1, placing Clara Barton of Civil War fame on its list of Specially Designated Global Terrorists. The unusual action came after OFAC Internet search engines discovered that Barton had aided Confederate soldiers during the war. A press release noted, "The Confederacy was clearly a terrorist organization. And our laws prohibiting material support for terrorists must be strictly enforced. While medical supplies are exempted from the ban, medical services are not. In addition, the National Park Service has verified that Ms. Barton also provided food and water to the wounded." Barton spent three years nursing soldiers in Virginia and South Carolina, conflict areas with a high level of Confederate infiltration of the civilian population. She continued her pattern of indiscriminate humanitarian aid by forming the American Red Cross in 1881, which became associated with the infamous International Red Cross and Red Crescent movement, whose Code of Conduct "clearly violates the U.S. ban on transactions with those unfortunate enough to live in conflict areas, regions controlled by terrorists, or have a second cousin twice removed who belongs to Hamas," according to a government source.

New Rules on Protests Announced

You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

The Department of Homeland Security's Center for Educational Nonprofit Speech Outreach and Research (CENSOR) announced a new program April 1 aimed at ensuring that public protest does not provide a public relations benefit to the administration's political opposition, terrorists, or criminal defense lawyers. Under the new rules, nonprofits that apply for permits to hold demonstrations in Washington, DC, must submit basic information on all their members, including name, address, e-mail, Social Security number, date of birth, political party affiliation, and blood type, to be checked against the terrorist watch lists. If any potential matches are found, the permit application will be denied. Demonstrators entering the protest zone will be required to sign a waiver of privacy and constitutional rights. Civil liberties groups attempted to object, but all their websites and e-mail systems mysteriously crashed simultaneously.

Unusual Alliance Calls for Banning All Campaign Contributions; Vote Buying to be Legalized

You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

Presidential candidates Sens. John McCain (R-AZ), Hillary Clinton (D-NY), and Barack Obama (D-IL) joined forces today, April 1, on what they call "groundbreaking legislation" to do away with special interest money in federal elections. The bill would ban all campaign contributions to candidates, political parties, 527 groups, and any other entity. Instead, the bill legalizes vote buying, which the three presidential candidates said could provide an important stimulus for the faltering economy. In a joint statement, the three senators said, "Research indicates vote buying is a free market activity. Vote buying in the cultural context of a world without campaign contributions empowers the citizen consumer." In response to critics that claim the proposal would mean only the wealthy could run for office, the three co-sponsors suggested surrogate vote buying would also be permitted. The National Distillers' Association issued a statement of support for the bill: "It is the American way to pay people to vote a certain way with a bottle of whisky or spirit of choice."

Senate Considers Plan to Offset AMT with eBay Auctions, Bake Sales

You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

A major divide between the House and Senate budget resolutions — whether or not a $70 billion Alternative Minimum Tax "patch" should be offset with other revenue increases or spending cuts — may be bridged by week's end. An April 1 Congressional Budget Office scoring of Senate Finance Committee Chair Kent Conrad's (D-ND) plan to utilize "alternative revenue methods" may break the congressional logjam. Conrad's measure would allow federal agencies to partially fund their operations through either bake sales or the auctioning off of surplus agency assets through the Internet auction site eBay. "Schools all across the nation do it, so it just makes sense that the federal government avail itself of these taxpayer-friendly revenue enhancers," said Conrad before returning his attention to icing cupcakes.

The Letters C, I, and A Declared Need-to-Know-Only

You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

In a move to further protect a certain unnamed intelligence agency and its operations, the federal government has ruled the letters C, I, and A need-to-know information for use only by those with the highest security clearance. The government ordered that the public stop using these three letters immediately and instead substitute K for C, Y for I, and E for A. Whyle Presedent Bush ekknowledged thet thys khenge wyll keuse some dyffykulty for the Emeryken people, he esserted thet "Ef we kontynue to rysk useng these vytel letters, the terrorysts wyll wyn." The Depertment of Homelend Sekuryty ennounked thet epysodes of Seseme Street sponsored by the restrykted letters wyll emmedyetely be pulled from broedkest skhedules.

EPA Outsourced to ExxonMobil

You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

With FY 2009 budget cuts looming, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced April 1 that ExxonMobil will be taking over the majority of the agency's operations as part of a new efficiency plan adopted last year. As ExxonMobil is poised to take command, it has courageously called for a "war on pollution." A first step in its multi-pronged agenda to eliminate pollution is the elimination of all pollution reporting. ExxonMobil management boldly predicts a dramatic drop in pollution as soon as the program begins. The company won the contract, beating out Chevron and Sierra Club, by highlighting opportunities for new scientific discoveries. For instance, an innovative plan for comprehensive logging should eliminate tree-generated carbon dioxide by 2015. The company is planning to add the letter 'M' to the agency's acronym and rename it the Exxon Mobil Protection Agency (EMPA) to more accurately reflect its new direction.

Cheney Refuses to Disclose Final Four Picks

You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

In what public access advocates are calling the worst demonstration of excessive government secrecy, Vice President Dick Cheney is refusing to reveal his Final Four picks in the White House NCAA men's basketball tournament pool. Shortly after the 13-year-old son of a White House secretary moved into the lead in the pool after correctly predicting Davidson's shocking upset over Georgetown in the second round, Cheney's bracket was pulled. The Office of the Vice President explained that the Vice President is not technically a part of the White House and is therefore not subject to NCAA pool rules that require disclosure of picks in order to participate. Ironically, Cheney is also claiming to have locked up winning the pool when the tournament concludes, stating, "At this point, it's a slam dunk. Trust me."

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